Finding Rest in Motherhood

Do you have a standard answer when someone asks you, “How are you?” If your answer is usually “I’m just so tired!”, don't worry, you're not alone. Feeling tired has become a badge of honor these days. We tend to equate being tired with being productive, but it could also mean that we’re simply filling our plates too full. From one woman to another, let me sit with you and help remove any pressures you might feel to keep going at this rate. Allow me to share with you some ways I’ve found rest during different seasons of motherhood. Some things I’ve done well, and other times I have learned ways I could’ve done better. As we walk together through parts of my story I pray that at least some of the things I’ve learned may resonate with you in your journey as well.

Finding Rest When My Kids Were Young

This is a picture of me and my first baby, who was born with multiple chronic illnesses, in the hospital. The unexpected medical issues that she had left me feeling a mix of grief, shock, and complete exhaustion. While most new parents struggle with lack of sleep, trying to get some rest in a hospital room added to the already overwhelming fatigue. During this season I had many people tell me, “Make sure you are taking care of yourself”. To be honest, statements like this felt frustrating. I know people meant the best for me, but how in the world am I supposed to take care of myself when I have a medically fragile infant who is in and out of the hospital and requires an intense amount of attention? Plus, because of her fragility, I couldn’t leave her with many people so babysitting was not much of an option during these early years. I was spiritually exhausted, physically exhausted, and emotionally exhausted.

Twenty months after the birth of our first child, we were blessed with our second beautiful baby. Even though Cassidy was almost two years old, It was like having twins since Cassidy’s skills were delayed and she and Hailey were learning new things together which made life quite hectic. Although we waited a few more years between our second and third child, eventually our son, Luke, joined our beautiful and chaotic life.

I had dreams during this season that I believe were placed on my heart by God, but honestly, I didn’t see how they could come to fruition. Most days every minute was consumed with taking care of our three babies’ needs. On top of that, I was navigating the world of having a child with chronic illness and other developmental delays. It was overwhelming.

As I reflect on those early years with our family, I must admit that taking time for myself was a rare luxury. However, I managed to set some boundaries that I think were helpful. One crucial thing I did was to learn to say “no”. I refused any volunteer position unless it involved me doing it with my kids directly. Though it wasn’t easy to decline, I knew that my mental health required me to learn this skill. Yes, I believe that saying “no” is a learned skill! I also pushed myself to leave the house. Often it felt like it was more effort than it was worth, but in the end, it was a needed break and so good for my mental health! Lastly, I determined a “cut-off” time for housework. The dishes will still be there in the morning, but I learned I was a better mom if I kept the kids on a bedtime schedule and used some time in the evening to refill my tank.

I had people kindly offer to bring me a coffee, sit at my house so I could take a nap, or bring me a meal. However, I am embarrassed to admit that I turned these offers down most of the time. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone and I had convinced myself that if someone came over, I would have to tidy up the house, which would prevent me from relaxing enough to take a rest. Friend, if someone in your life wants to bless you with a kind gesture like this, please do not decline! Take my advice, accept the gift, and thank God for seeing your needs. 

During this season I realized that working on my spiritual health and mental health was vital, especially because it was a struggle to find physical rest. It was during this time that I had to choose to believe the promises God has for me in the bible, even when my emotions didn’t match my faith. Some days my grief was a more dominant feeling than peace and I had to fight to find the peace that God promised. The truth is that He does see me as a person, not just a mom or a wife, and he has plans for ME! So I began meditating on scripture and that was one of the most life-giving things I could do for myself. If I was too tired to read my bible, having scriptures posted around my house helped me fight the battles in my mind with the promises of God. Here is my favorite verse that I adopted during this particular season:

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31

Finding Rest When My Kids Are Teenagers

Have you ever heard someone say, “Enjoy your kids because time flies?” Do you find yourself rolling your eyes when you hear it? It’s okay, I used to do that too. If you are currently in the phase of having young children, I’m not going to disregard the feelings and stresses you may be experiencing. I believe every stage of parenthood is unique and beautiful, but also comes with its own set of challenges.

During my kid’s teenage years, I loved having more flexibility, yet I didn’t expect to be busier than ever. Somehow the math didn’t seem to add up. I used to lay awake at night worrying about their little hearts and protecting them from falling and scraping their knees. Now I’m laying awake at night worrying about who they are texting, what are they learning about from their peers at school, and whether I am doing enough to prepare them for the world. The worries may slightly shift, but in the end, they don’t change much. I began to learn that if I’m not careful I will be taking on God’s role in their life by trying to do it all myself.

As our children started to become more independent, my husband and I recognized the possibility of growing apart from each other. So we have made some intentional choices on how to adopt healthy habits for ourselves as individuals, for our family, and also as a couple.

Our children know that we are always available whenever they need us. We are the parents that attend almost every event. Every once in a while we plan a trip together that gets in the way of us being able to attend one of their activities. We have agreed that there is no shame in that, and our kids know we love and support them. It is also healthy for our kids to see us prioritizing our marriage. So we make date night a regular occurrence and plan some getaways as well.

Mentally I have learned along the way that I MUST exercise. I believe that movement is good for anyone, and that may look different for everyone. That’s ok. I highly recommend that you keep searching until you find something you love. And if you are struggling in this area, ask the Lord to help you because I believe he will!

The most important thing in my life that is a non-negotiable, even above exercise is my quiet time. This is when I read God’s work, journal, pray… sometimes all of the above. When my kids were little, this looked different. I was lucky to get through a chapter a day in my bible. My kids are now old enough to drive themselves to school, so I can sit a little longer and linger in that quiet time with the Lord. 

“Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him” Psalm 34:8

Finding Rest When I Have Adult Children

As I write this today I have a 22-year-old, a 20-year-old, and our son is 16 and still in high school. If you have younger children you are probably thinking… What is there to be tired of? Haven’t you arrived??? And if you are in this season with me, maybe you are thinking what I have often thought… “Nobody told me this season would be so emotional!”

I adore my children and cherish the stage they are currently in. As they grow into young adults, my role as a parent is shifting to more of a coaching role and even a friendship, which is a unique and special experience. However, I had assumed that once they went off to college, I would be able to get a good night’s sleep again. That was a wrong assumption.

I’m going to be very vulnerable and honest. I have found this stage to be much more emotional than I had anticipated. As parents, we are used to being everything for our children - their protection, comfort, and their whole world. We are the ones they go to when they scrape their knees or need our help. Now, as our children grow older, we have to learn to stay in our lanes and allow them to mature into the adults that God is developing them to be. On the other hand, they still need us, so we are trying to figure out what the balance is between stepping in and offering our opinions and keeping quiet. I don’t think there is a clear balance in that. It’s a messy process as both our children and we are attempting to navigate this new territory. We are trying to figure out whether we are a friend or a parent and whether we should say something or keep quiet.

I am still trying to work through these questions and I don’t have the answers yet. Here is what I do know. Our kids still need us and want us… sometimes. Therefore, I am doing the best I can and, in the process being honest with them that I don’t know how to do this stage either. We all need to have grace for each other as we figure it all out! Amen?

So, how am I finding rest in my current season? Some days I’m not. I am failing and allowing my worries about their future consume my mind… I’m just being honest. However, even as I wrestle with those emotions I work hard to remind myself that God has plans for my kids, and he instructs me not to worry. So I will continue to lay them at the feet of Jesus and remind myself that they are His and do my best to love them, support them, and guide them the best I know how.

I may sound like a broken record, but the only way to truly work through the emotions of letting go of your adult children is to spend time with God. He is the best source for helping us cope as we grieve the loss of the years that have passed and celebrate with our kids their futures.

I am exploring new ways to improve my physical and mental health. I still love exercise but I’m also continuing to discover what suits my body best. As I age, my needs change, and I am learning to accept that. I am also trying to shift my mindset to prioritize health over appearance. (That is a work in progress.) Health is a personal journey and I’m working at finding what my body’s needs are.

I am attempting to live in the moment. If I have planned anything for the day but a friend asks me to meet for coffee, I don't hesitate to accept! My house cleaning can wait. If my daughter who is in college wants to meet for lunch… um yes! You don’t have to ask twice! If my husband asks me to run errands with him, I drop what I’m doing and take the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with him. Time is precious to me and I want to make the most of it by spending it with the people I care about. The dishes can wait. Cooking dinner can wait (Take-out is a great option and so are leftovers), but the people in our lives are more important than anything else.

If you are like me, and trying to find rest in an unknown season, I encourage you to keep searching and ask God to lead you to that rest. His desire is for us to have an abundant life no matter what season we are in!

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:10

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

*Reading recommendation if you are feeling tired and overwhelmed: “Tired of being Tired” by Jess Connolly